The War Within...
Sometimes, like these times, today, this moment is difficult for me....
when I go through long segments of not breathing or not paying attention to my breathing, and then catching myself holding on to my breath or fiercely "controling" it.
I know now, that that is either about excitement and standing on something edgy for me, or increasing pressure to the point that I'm forced to act...to notice, that something is bumping up against my model of the world (or worldview).
And today I found myself, standing right in front of my Self, and warring againt ME!?
Knowing the truth that stood clearly inside of me, and the 2nd signal dancing in front of that truth, waving "the big rule book of life" in my face, saying No you can't! You shouldn't do what you think you should because that'll hurt someone; ...will make others judge you, and make yourself confirm that you have failed, again, further proving that you are a "failure"!
Amazing, how the residue of childhood messages, social heft of obligation and rules, and consequential self defeating behavior of my younger days come in like a huge and heavy chain to "pull me back", to weigh me down...
The uncertainty of "going with the flow", in the direction of my truth, and not knowing where it will lead or have me "ending up", is very threatening and "unsafe" to me, in this moment.
And I find it interesting that I still, in times like this one, fear bad results, prognosticate negative experiences and results, even though I know that "energy flows where attention goes". So in this moment, as in most, I catch myself, breathe a little deeper, and pay attention to the conversations going on inside that have me noticing the intense signals inside this body of mine.
I pay attention, and remind myself of my "intention" for living my life, and question what else can I create, in this moment, that would allow me to move upward and onward, more in line with my intention for my Self? (flow...supported by space and movement...that's who I am and what I'm about!) Am I living like that? In flow...with plenty of space and movement to support and allow for that flow? More, more in this moment that I am noticing and paying attention to my breathing...I am living my intention....
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Andropause...The "male equivalent to menopause"!
I just so happened to be on Manitoulin Island (one of my favorite places in the world) this past weekend; after one of those "sunday drive" kind of going nowhere days. The Island is about 2 hours from Sudbury, my home town. After a great prime rib dinner at the Anchor Inn in Little Current, I bought the local paper on the way out of the restaurant, on a whim, just for someone to have something to read on a sunny Sunday evening ride back home.
I guess I miss the island after a whole winter of not going to it, and wanted to "catch up" on islander life by reading their"local rag".
There was an article in there that was titled "Wellness Corner" and in it, the author described the "men's health" issue of Andropause. He went on to describe the statistics of those who "suffer" or are "afflicted" with andropause and to describe the following symptoms: decreased strength, decreased endurance, decreased libido, decreased sexual performance, dysphoria (restlessness), fatigue, loss of self-esteem, increased anxiety, difficulty in concentration, forgetfulness, insomnia, and an altered state of well-being. Phew!!! sign me up for that one, right away! Sounds like a ton of fun! I was especially interested because apparently at my age (40+) I am at risk of "suffering" from Andropause!? You tell me, with guys like that around, don't you think there should be statistics on how many women suffer because of this "disease" too!? ha ha - I jest...
Now, it's not my intention here to besmirch the author or diminish the importance of men paying attention to their health more than they do; I just found this too juicy to leave to the very low level consideration and conversation that allows us to leave what seems to be, to me, more about loud "signals from the inner self" to mere medical/physical profiling and symptomology.
I wonder what we might discover about ourselves (men), after living some 40+ years and more, if we were to consider what else these "signals", this "information", can tell me about my life and the results I'm getting? Maybe, we might discover that after some 40+ years, that living the way we "always have" (history - past) is not working the same way for me as I move forward (future)?!
Maybe we might find that it is extremely tiring, even exhausting, to keep pushing and moving "against the grain", swiming upstream, instead of going with our "natural flow"?
How is having a condition like "andropause" useful and intelligent? Can my body be telling me that it's time to "stop" or slow down and take a good look at how I'm living my life, and if anything in it is really what I intended for myself? When we are unwilling to tell ourselves our own truth about how we are, or how we feel about our "situation", is it any wonder that our bodies end up paying for it?! ...and then dish it back to us, in louder and louder signals, until we hear the call, or not?
I was also struck by the closeness (a gestalt for me) of the combined words "Android pause"! that's me, I'm weird like that, to see things where others might not...
And after I stopped giggling, I started seeing the similarities between just "going through the motions" (like an android) and "suffering", eventually, from the symptoms of "Andropause".
And, what might we discover if we would allow ourselves to "wake up" from our slumber, and take an "android pause" (or pause from being androids) to really living, to really going deep and allowing ourselves to admit the things we really want for ourselves, to allow ourselves to make wish lists for our lives and turn those into realities!? whether they be about the friends we have, the relationships we're in, the kind of neighborhood, job, conditions we're in?!!
Take an android pause. Take a break from living numb, being quiet, or quieted, if only for an hour or two, to allow yourself to rekindle that fire that burns deep within and ignite the passions of your life and be kind to yourself and others all-the-while...
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
I just so happened to be on Manitoulin Island (one of my favorite places in the world) this past weekend; after one of those "sunday drive" kind of going nowhere days. The Island is about 2 hours from Sudbury, my home town. After a great prime rib dinner at the Anchor Inn in Little Current, I bought the local paper on the way out of the restaurant, on a whim, just for someone to have something to read on a sunny Sunday evening ride back home.
I guess I miss the island after a whole winter of not going to it, and wanted to "catch up" on islander life by reading their"local rag".
There was an article in there that was titled "Wellness Corner" and in it, the author described the "men's health" issue of Andropause. He went on to describe the statistics of those who "suffer" or are "afflicted" with andropause and to describe the following symptoms: decreased strength, decreased endurance, decreased libido, decreased sexual performance, dysphoria (restlessness), fatigue, loss of self-esteem, increased anxiety, difficulty in concentration, forgetfulness, insomnia, and an altered state of well-being. Phew!!! sign me up for that one, right away! Sounds like a ton of fun! I was especially interested because apparently at my age (40+) I am at risk of "suffering" from Andropause!? You tell me, with guys like that around, don't you think there should be statistics on how many women suffer because of this "disease" too!? ha ha - I jest...
Now, it's not my intention here to besmirch the author or diminish the importance of men paying attention to their health more than they do; I just found this too juicy to leave to the very low level consideration and conversation that allows us to leave what seems to be, to me, more about loud "signals from the inner self" to mere medical/physical profiling and symptomology.
I wonder what we might discover about ourselves (men), after living some 40+ years and more, if we were to consider what else these "signals", this "information", can tell me about my life and the results I'm getting? Maybe, we might discover that after some 40+ years, that living the way we "always have" (history - past) is not working the same way for me as I move forward (future)?!
Maybe we might find that it is extremely tiring, even exhausting, to keep pushing and moving "against the grain", swiming upstream, instead of going with our "natural flow"?
How is having a condition like "andropause" useful and intelligent? Can my body be telling me that it's time to "stop" or slow down and take a good look at how I'm living my life, and if anything in it is really what I intended for myself? When we are unwilling to tell ourselves our own truth about how we are, or how we feel about our "situation", is it any wonder that our bodies end up paying for it?! ...and then dish it back to us, in louder and louder signals, until we hear the call, or not?
I was also struck by the closeness (a gestalt for me) of the combined words "Android pause"! that's me, I'm weird like that, to see things where others might not...
And after I stopped giggling, I started seeing the similarities between just "going through the motions" (like an android) and "suffering", eventually, from the symptoms of "Andropause".
And, what might we discover if we would allow ourselves to "wake up" from our slumber, and take an "android pause" (or pause from being androids) to really living, to really going deep and allowing ourselves to admit the things we really want for ourselves, to allow ourselves to make wish lists for our lives and turn those into realities!? whether they be about the friends we have, the relationships we're in, the kind of neighborhood, job, conditions we're in?!!
Take an android pause. Take a break from living numb, being quiet, or quieted, if only for an hour or two, to allow yourself to rekindle that fire that burns deep within and ignite the passions of your life and be kind to yourself and others all-the-while...
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
Today...it's difficult to "trust the process"...
The recent events at Virginia Tech and subsequent reactive reporting and efforts at understanding and explaining them has me doubting our (humanity's) ability to break through the density and immense thickness of the walls of "perception and beliefs" that create such events in the first place before it destroy's us all.
I find it difficult to hope, in this moment, not because one of our brothers went completely nuts, (because - as painful as that is, and as I would never wish it on anyone, I almost expect or the least, am not surprised, when such things continue to happen) but because of the inane thinking that goes on around the "why" question, still, in these days of so-called enlightenment, the complete idiocy with which we attempt to "understand", to get answers, to point outwardly at others...all attempts, as I see it, at shutting out the pain, the loss, the fear of simply being, with it, as witness, in the wave of energy that has been created from it.
it's a little harder to breathe, today, in this moment, yet, it is all and the best I can do, to BE.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
The recent events at Virginia Tech and subsequent reactive reporting and efforts at understanding and explaining them has me doubting our (humanity's) ability to break through the density and immense thickness of the walls of "perception and beliefs" that create such events in the first place before it destroy's us all.
I find it difficult to hope, in this moment, not because one of our brothers went completely nuts, (because - as painful as that is, and as I would never wish it on anyone, I almost expect or the least, am not surprised, when such things continue to happen) but because of the inane thinking that goes on around the "why" question, still, in these days of so-called enlightenment, the complete idiocy with which we attempt to "understand", to get answers, to point outwardly at others...all attempts, as I see it, at shutting out the pain, the loss, the fear of simply being, with it, as witness, in the wave of energy that has been created from it.
it's a little harder to breathe, today, in this moment, yet, it is all and the best I can do, to BE.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Dogma and Oil...
I found myself quite saddened by the news of 6 "soldiers"dying suddenly in Afganistan and then the news of 2 more being killed the next day...I was sad for their lost youth, for those who would suffer their losses, and saddened mostly for what I can only hold as the "senselessness" of it all.
And it was not about them being Canadian...but about their being human; because to grieve them without grieving for the many who die on the so called "other side" is to hold as true that some human beings are not equal or as valuable as others; that some deserve more of life than others...I don't believe that. In fact, I believe that holding such beliefs and attitudes contributes to the very thing I despise: War.
To me, war is still senseless. It is to me, a failure of men to recognize and respect each other's humanity, and every individual's autonomy. It is to compete at the level of our humanity, to declare to some authority that we are more worthy human beings than others...that we are right and that others are wrong...and usually ends up confirming the very thing that we started fighting the "others" about - their belief that they are "more worthy" than others in their country or there abouts . Talk about irony!
I am saddened by our seeming inability as 21st century human beings to find better ways, more intelligent ways, of "being" in the world....of living like 17th century barbarians, instead of claiming our personal identities, our autonomy, over "ourselves", rather than over others.
Dogma and Oil...of these two things, dogma, and the men who've perpetuated it have been the single largest culprits in history, at the epicentre of wars that have shaken the world. Its not so odd then that it is also the one thing that is at the cause of "de-humanizing" us; that it is the "thing" that has taught us that our bodies are impure and bad things with "desires" that we need to control and suppress...like a machine. There may have been a time, a context, in which doing so may have been a very useful thing to do...but ten I ask, Who for?
I really wonder whether that is still so today? Are we really that "unsafe"? Do we really need to go "outside" of our senses and sensitivities, and give our minds and hearts to external referencing, to "outsiders"??? Do we really live in a world (mindframe) that is so small as to not allow for the infinite posibilities and choices that are immediately available to us if we only allow ourselves to pay attention, and become aware, of what's going on deep inside?
I remain saddened....
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
I found myself quite saddened by the news of 6 "soldiers"dying suddenly in Afganistan and then the news of 2 more being killed the next day...I was sad for their lost youth, for those who would suffer their losses, and saddened mostly for what I can only hold as the "senselessness" of it all.
And it was not about them being Canadian...but about their being human; because to grieve them without grieving for the many who die on the so called "other side" is to hold as true that some human beings are not equal or as valuable as others; that some deserve more of life than others...I don't believe that. In fact, I believe that holding such beliefs and attitudes contributes to the very thing I despise: War.
To me, war is still senseless. It is to me, a failure of men to recognize and respect each other's humanity, and every individual's autonomy. It is to compete at the level of our humanity, to declare to some authority that we are more worthy human beings than others...that we are right and that others are wrong...and usually ends up confirming the very thing that we started fighting the "others" about - their belief that they are "more worthy" than others in their country or there abouts . Talk about irony!
I am saddened by our seeming inability as 21st century human beings to find better ways, more intelligent ways, of "being" in the world....of living like 17th century barbarians, instead of claiming our personal identities, our autonomy, over "ourselves", rather than over others.
Dogma and Oil...of these two things, dogma, and the men who've perpetuated it have been the single largest culprits in history, at the epicentre of wars that have shaken the world. Its not so odd then that it is also the one thing that is at the cause of "de-humanizing" us; that it is the "thing" that has taught us that our bodies are impure and bad things with "desires" that we need to control and suppress...like a machine. There may have been a time, a context, in which doing so may have been a very useful thing to do...but ten I ask, Who for?
I really wonder whether that is still so today? Are we really that "unsafe"? Do we really need to go "outside" of our senses and sensitivities, and give our minds and hearts to external referencing, to "outsiders"??? Do we really live in a world (mindframe) that is so small as to not allow for the infinite posibilities and choices that are immediately available to us if we only allow ourselves to pay attention, and become aware, of what's going on deep inside?
I remain saddened....
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Relationships
"Don't just get involved, get evolved!"
A sentence I saw somewhere that seemed to hold a whole bunch of stuff for me to consider!?
To me, it made me think of how I define "relationship", a "nominalization" (Def. - code word for experiences we have that are personal, and not exactly like other persons' experiences, but that we talk about like they are real or the same...i.e. - in "reality", I have never seen a "relationship" get up and pay the bill at a restaurant...I've seen a person do that, but not a "relationship"...so are they real? Or are they what we make them out to be? The latter feels truest to me!).
So if I'm left to consider, in my "relating" to someone, what is it that I'm creating? Or, do I try to make every "relationship" I have, fit in the box I call relationships (the beliefs, and attitudes I already have about "them" and what they "should" be as defined by the world)?
In terms of the quotation above, how many of the relationships that I'm "in" actually feel like they help me Be who I am, or help discover something new about myself; or not!? With how many of those persons I'm involved with do I actually claim the space I need to fully step into the unknown, into the tough conversations within myself and with that person I am relating to, that might make a huge difference in the quality of my life?
There is so much more to the possibility of "relations" than being a man, or a woman, in that relationship. There is the weight of all of our experiences, including our cultural and family inheritance of values, beliefs, attitudes, about who others are, to contend with, and who we are in the world and who we are supposed to be in that thing we call "relationship".
So how do we "get evolved" rather than just involved with someone?
Once again, and for always....It's up to YOU!
Not the you of yesterday, or that you believe you've always been, but the YOU who is authentic, in the moment, choosing as you go! If we hold as true, or at least possible, that to create something different, or new, we cannot depend on the past, or what already exists, then we must allow ourselves to consider the next moment, and live in that moment, consistantly, to allow something different to unfold.
That is not a "safe" place to stand for most people. If there are no "rules" about what relationships are, or are supposed to be...that's not alot of "guideposts" for us to measure our experience against! Yet, might it not be exciting to make things up in a way that we might actually care about them? ...that we might feel adventurous and really want to be a part of?
And, I'm not sure if you noticed, but maybe the problems are not the "relationships" were in, but the very "guideposts" we use from which to "compare" or "measure" the quality of those relationships!?
What if, just for a while, we would allow ourselves to be guided by our own internal "guideposts"!
What if we would allow ourselves to pay attention to the signals from within that feel more true, than not; that feel authentic to us, that feel like we actually might be "honoring" ourselves at the time of choosing who and how to Be, in relation with another.
For me, the challenge, and the reward, lies in those times when I know I have been authentic in what I am experiencing, and to have the other clearly see and know me in a deeper and new way.
To get "evolved" with someone, doesn't depend on the "someone"! It depends on my willingness to evolve myself, and to move through uncharted territory sometimes, and to claim what is authentically true for me in the moments they come up.
It's easy to get involved with people...we do it every day, one way or another, because almost none of us live in a vaccuum. Evolving ourselves, and inviting others in that process demands our attention, our awareness of what's going on inside, and choosing in those moments, what next step to take that will create the quality of life we actually want.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
"Don't just get involved, get evolved!"
A sentence I saw somewhere that seemed to hold a whole bunch of stuff for me to consider!?
To me, it made me think of how I define "relationship", a "nominalization" (Def. - code word for experiences we have that are personal, and not exactly like other persons' experiences, but that we talk about like they are real or the same...i.e. - in "reality", I have never seen a "relationship" get up and pay the bill at a restaurant...I've seen a person do that, but not a "relationship"...so are they real? Or are they what we make them out to be? The latter feels truest to me!).
So if I'm left to consider, in my "relating" to someone, what is it that I'm creating? Or, do I try to make every "relationship" I have, fit in the box I call relationships (the beliefs, and attitudes I already have about "them" and what they "should" be as defined by the world)?
In terms of the quotation above, how many of the relationships that I'm "in" actually feel like they help me Be who I am, or help discover something new about myself; or not!? With how many of those persons I'm involved with do I actually claim the space I need to fully step into the unknown, into the tough conversations within myself and with that person I am relating to, that might make a huge difference in the quality of my life?
There is so much more to the possibility of "relations" than being a man, or a woman, in that relationship. There is the weight of all of our experiences, including our cultural and family inheritance of values, beliefs, attitudes, about who others are, to contend with, and who we are in the world and who we are supposed to be in that thing we call "relationship".
So how do we "get evolved" rather than just involved with someone?
Once again, and for always....It's up to YOU!
Not the you of yesterday, or that you believe you've always been, but the YOU who is authentic, in the moment, choosing as you go! If we hold as true, or at least possible, that to create something different, or new, we cannot depend on the past, or what already exists, then we must allow ourselves to consider the next moment, and live in that moment, consistantly, to allow something different to unfold.
That is not a "safe" place to stand for most people. If there are no "rules" about what relationships are, or are supposed to be...that's not alot of "guideposts" for us to measure our experience against! Yet, might it not be exciting to make things up in a way that we might actually care about them? ...that we might feel adventurous and really want to be a part of?
And, I'm not sure if you noticed, but maybe the problems are not the "relationships" were in, but the very "guideposts" we use from which to "compare" or "measure" the quality of those relationships!?
What if, just for a while, we would allow ourselves to be guided by our own internal "guideposts"!
What if we would allow ourselves to pay attention to the signals from within that feel more true, than not; that feel authentic to us, that feel like we actually might be "honoring" ourselves at the time of choosing who and how to Be, in relation with another.
For me, the challenge, and the reward, lies in those times when I know I have been authentic in what I am experiencing, and to have the other clearly see and know me in a deeper and new way.
To get "evolved" with someone, doesn't depend on the "someone"! It depends on my willingness to evolve myself, and to move through uncharted territory sometimes, and to claim what is authentically true for me in the moments they come up.
It's easy to get involved with people...we do it every day, one way or another, because almost none of us live in a vaccuum. Evolving ourselves, and inviting others in that process demands our attention, our awareness of what's going on inside, and choosing in those moments, what next step to take that will create the quality of life we actually want.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)