"Real Age"
(wow two posts in the same day...)...
You probably have heard this term of "real age" before...the notion goes like this...that despite all the talk about BMI and perfect body shape and health, that your real age is the true determinent of how healthy you are or how "happy and healthy" you feel. Oprah even had some doctors talk about this concept on one of her shows.
I found such a site through some e-mails that were going around yesterday and decided to "play". (I'm sure by typing in "real age" in your web browser you can find a bunch of info on this...and maybe a game or two).
There were some very interesting inferences or "presuppositions" inserted everywhere in the site I was playing in. I basically had to click on the most appropriate answer or "truest of me" response (already not too precise...right...but I'm playing anyway...).
Now to those of you who've seen me before, you will know that I am no small guy. In the vernacular of modern day alopathic medicine some would call me "obese". I like to think of it more as aspiring to look like the Buddha, himself!? (ha ha...)
The point was that after all of my "critical specs", the analysis was that my real age is that of 35.3 yrs old. Interesting, since my chronological age is nearer to 45 yrs.
I figured, "not bad"! And then a shooting pain from my left knee came up to remind me that I really feel older than I am (at least in that moment!)
What other thing I found fun to think about was that as of today, I am 16,314 days old; as another way of counting from the day I manifested physically in this world.
According to this "real age" site, another point to ponder is that they predict that all things being equal, I should live 'til the age of 83.7 years. Wow! That, according to their calculations, would give me 14,500 more days to live!!!
Of course, depending on your outlook, this could be a double -edged sword (at the least). Of course, no one can "know" how long they are going to live; and my way of thinking these days doesn't dwell so much on quantity as much at quality of life. I would really rather enjoy to have much more quality of life, over a longer period of time, if I could help it. And today, I know that I can (help it).
There's nothing deep and mystical here that I am getting to. Yet the simple notion that the way you feel really determines your quality of life and that from that feeling, you may "increase" your longevity, goes to what we know as our truths: that thoughts are things, and that those "things" (thoughts) shape who and how we are!
Long, and Well, may you live!
Creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

"Deciduous?"
In my willingness to play, lately, I had the chance to "be in conversation" with groups at a national mental health conference in Edmonton, Alberta. I presented WEL-systems concepts on two occasions. In the first group, I got through about 3 of the 30 or so power point slides I had prepared for our conversation (just in case). I confirmed again that time is an illusion, and that being "in time" is the best way to forget about the past and the future. In what seemed to be no time at all, an hour and 45 minutes whisped away in a conversation that had everyone's attention. I was "reassured" in some way, that those in the room were hungry for "possibility", for "what's more". The next morning, about 7 out of the 30 slides with more information on "what we are as human beings". Again, I felt the same hunger, and interest, and this was a Sunday morning session after 4 days of conferencing. Again, a two hour session whisped by and connections were made. I was convinced, and stated such in the sessions, that all I could do in the time we had was to get them curious about the weird and wonderful concepts and models I was presenting.... that had made a difference in my life...and lead them to the WEL-Systems web site!
I guess what I had noticed the most out of this experience in Edmonton was how much I really enjoy being in the conversation, leading, guiding, inviting - getting the juice flowing!
I know that I need to honor that in myself and create more spaces and places where I can have those conversations!!!
Mostly because when I'm in the conversation, I remind myself of who I am!
Next year, this same conference is planned to take place in P.E.I.
I have never been out East and aim to be there next year, at this conference, in late September.
And, I know that I cannot wait 'til then to have these conversations that are such a part of my intention in the world.
As I continue to explore how much I can develop the technical skills of drawing and painting, and writing, I know that I must also "be out there". I know that the conversations I have with myself, as fulfilling and fun as they are, do not allow me to exercise the "courage of my convictions" (for lack of a better saying...); nor do they allow my light to shine fully for others to see.
A word caught my attention on a few occasions lately and has resonance with me, in this moment. The word is "deciduous" (see title above). I looked up the definitions given to the word and held to this one: "Falling off or shed, at specific seasons, as petals or leaves".
And then I thought about my habits; of thought, feelings, routines - Beliefs/Values/attitudes.
I know that for me, each day is a new "season". Given my experience of being "in time", lately, I wonder if I can actually live like all of my life can be compressed in "this moment", this "day", and know that I can shed, with every sunrise and sunset, (hey - sounds like a breathing pattern! Doesn't it...? sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise....), anything that feels useless, dead, or not useful to me in the moment.
By "shedding" or allowing things to "fall off", without resisting, just "naturally", by allowing myself to choose some other "thing" that would be more in line with who I make myself out to be today, I know that my Life will be enhanced, my tree or my flower will take on new colours and "look alive"!
And so, I hope that I become "deciduous" and that my branches become bare, with each new morning, that I may grow into my renewed fullness, with each new day!
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Back from vacation...
And where have I been...on a lake, where I fished, alot, and where I was able to be present to the water, the waves, the magnificent sunrises, and sunsets...even the wildly luminous Persiads meteor shower in mid-August that left me in a wonderous state...in the moment of sudden appearances, seemingly out of nowhere, of flashes of light...darting across the sky...most times but a few moments long...
I wonder still whether those magnificent flashes and sudden bursts of light are like Me, or am I like them? Is that my life? or will it be?...but a flash, and how brightly will I shine?
Other times, the "camp", boisterous with friends and family, enjoying laughs, food, drinks, and repeating old patterns in a different place at a different time....nothing new or useful gained except the knowledge that I let many opportunities for my voice to be heard differently...and then the silence.
The last part of the "vacation" spent in isolation with my partner, together, alone, with the silence thundering in my ears at times...and for the most part, I was oblivious to trying to figure things out, not even interested in the least in knowing more, or answering anything...sometimes numb, often times wanting not to be there....with the second week letting the fall hues appear slowly and quietly in the northern woods on the mountain accross the bay...
And I recognize those states when I am not in my body...I know that I don't need to be on vacation to not be present to myself...in fact, it all seems too familiar; because it happens every day!
This "vacation" was bizarre in the sense that for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel I "needed" one! In fact, the best reason I could come up with to be on vacation, other than having booked them, was to detract from the routine and boredome of work, and the work schedule (slow summer at the office)!!! (don't hate me for that....)
I know that as much as I love being with myself and in my thoughts and process, I want people to show up in my days so that I can have conversations that matter...that make a difference...at least to me, and hopefully to them also?!
The gift of giving blood, a massage for my tight back and i'm looking at another weekend already. An extended weekend at that, and what can I look forward to...camp...again...with the promise or really nice weather, another opportunity to fish, be on the water, a sunset or sunrise or two, and silence...I'll make a point of Being fully present this time, as now, so as to not lose myself in the "doing" of camp, and take advantage of the silence in which my spirit, as the shooting stars of August, can shine!
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

The Flow...

My thoughts in this moment are about WHO I am...and from that, how I live...

I am thinking, and in the presence of the thoughts, connected to the energy that is me ( and flowing through me), that I am...and in this moment, I know that I am not in the flow,

I am the flow!

I am that very thing that is One, with everything, and every-One...that I am not from source, that I am source. I am that which creates, notices, examines, chooses, plays, in other words, engages with, and in, the creation, that stem from the holodeck I have created to play with.

I am everything that folds back into and out of itself, pure energy, like water, flowing, unstoppable because it never began, therefore cannot end...I am eternal, I am infinite...

As I breathe, so does my universe...

creating at the rhythm of my breath,

RAY

"last posted blog" Erratum...
the last line of my previous post should have read ".....will be less "frustrated" in living the way I want to live."...interesting though, that i left that word out?! :)
RAY

...Being a "practitioner"...
Hello to all who have been waiting for my "next" post. I can't believe how long its' been, yet the evidence is in the date I posted my last blog to this site! And to any persons who may be new to this blog and have just happened to pass this way, welcome.
My attention is fleeting, to say the least, when it comes to the things I do, and the things I commit to. I have to admit that... and in noticing it, I find it funny and interesting, and laugh at myself, and know that I can choose to be different if and when I choose to do so. Hence, the long time since my last post on this blog. Other "do's" have gotten my attention.
The one thing I am never away from is my Self. I commit to being aware and in tune with how I'm feeling and what thoughts and signals are moving in me and through me each day. The cost of not doing so is too great. Being asleep to my experiences and truth is too costly a price and going to sleep is almost impossible now that I am awake and aware to the degree that I am.
Getting to the point of the title of this post....As recently as this past weekend, I was pulled to attend a 2 day oil painting technical class on the Alla Prima method. The reasons I was pulled to attend this particular class were that I had become frustrated in my ability to create painted expressions of my experience that were clear, and which represented the many facets of the images that would appear to me when I opened myself up to the creative process through painting.
The other reason was that I don't know myself to have the patience and time, when drawing or painting, to take three days to come to a final representation of what's moving through me. So the Alla Prima method, which is a one step whole approach to finishing an oil painting sounded really really good to me! I knew I was stepping into a big "I don't know what I don't know" weekend, and I was right...almost everything the teacher said, I knew almost nothing about or near nothing....
What was so interesting about it was how trained artists see "things". I learned that artists train long and hard to "not see what they see"! That is, you're not supposed to paint the "representation" of the things you see (the nominalization of "eye"). For example, the eye is not an eye, but a series of shapes like circles, triangles, and other angles intertwined, with depths of shading, colouring and different "values" (a technical term to bring your attention to the intensity of the colour you are looking at as it relates to other colours in the picture you are making.) Another concept that blew me away was that of "negative space" or angles. Those are the lines and shadings around the thing you are painting, that are "not the thing you are painting". I found out that we can make a very close representation of something, just by drawing what's around it and not the thing itself!? Neat stuff!
AND, so what? Well, as thoroughly interesting as all of this "technical stuff" was, I was also very aware that those other six persons in the class with me, who considered themselves to be artists, gave me no indication of their own awareness about what it meant to be creative!
It struck me, that these "artists" all seemed to think that the creativity was in the picture they were putting on canvas, and not in "them"! (I am quite aware of the mind reads and assumptions I am making here, but that's my experience of those moments).
On more than one occasion, as I expressed that my goals were not to become an artist, but to become better at expressing what was moving through me, the teacher of the day looked at me in wonder, and said such things like "I hope were not spoiling you with this technical stuff", "in some ways you are the perfect student by being open to everything and every note of help I offer!", "you have what is important to start with and what not to lose as an artist".
I knew I was off to a good start, even before the teacher offered his comments.
Another thing I am noticing and am reminded of is that no matter how I approach pictures or portraits, from full out expressiveness to more technical approaches of representing my experience, the "quality of the result of making a picture mostly comes down to being a practitionner! The more I do something, the better I get at it, whether that is repeating habits that don't lead to the things I want, or to breathing with intention and to being open to allowing for questions to flow without resistance through the day. I am also mindful that although "technical ability" is not absolutely necessary to expressing anything, the right approach will get you there more efficiently and probably more effectively than other methods.
So I am grateful to know now, that I need to become a much better "drawer" in order to be a better painter; that if I want to catch the depth and nuances of the expressions that are mine to make, that I need to "train my eyes diferently" than I have before, to see things differently.
Much like Life, if I have always used or relied on my mind to solve everything, or to "get it", or thought that my mind is the only tool I have to "think" with, I may be limiting the scope of what is possible for me, and certainly will be less efficient and effective at moving through the experiences that are mine to have, or not. Certainly, if I find a different way of being, of paying attention, of seeing, and breathing, and become a practitioner of these things, I will be less frustrated in living the way I want to live!
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

"of mice and men"...
The novela by John Steinbeck, or movie, whichever one you might be familiar with (and I'm familiar with both), is a faint memory to me... the details that is, but the life lessons inherent in the story are relevant to me for some reason on this day...in fact, it's the title only that I make reference to in this post today...and without any pejorative to one or the other (mice or men), I am reminded of how I feel sometimes, when I act in a way that isn't "truthful", for me!
When I do not honor the very sensations and movements that flow through me in any given situation, and "please" others over myself, I am left to wonder who it is that I feel more like, "mouse" or "man"?
I become curious as to "In what situations am I "mouse"? In what particular set of circumstances is it easy for me to be "man"? and furthermore, How is it that being "mouse" at times serves me? and how is it that being that does not?
This past weekend seemed a perfect example of my not giving in to the crushing weight of social norms and expectations, and "relationship shouldas". Things were being said for the week prior to that about the "long weekend", camp, having people over, getting things done, etc...and the more the days drew closer to the weekend, I could feel the pressure building inside of me, almost suffocating me to the point I could not even talk about it the day before the "event". So I let it sit; with the clear sense that without knowing what else, it wasn't going to be this (camp and weekend get together)!
Although I could wish I wouldn't put myself through the grinder so much, for so long, I ended up deciding not to go, and to be honest about why I did not want to be there. The release, the flow, and easy smile on my face for the rest of my weekend, doing the things I wanted to do with my son and his friends was quite rewarding. It was a No to not me, and a Yes for Me!
From weightyness, to weightlessness in one "choice" to honor myself, in the moment. One distinct time where judging my actions under the premise of being a mouse or a man wasn't where it was at...it was more personal than that...it was about being human, and trusting that my body wasn't lying to me, faced with an opportunity that was more about what others wanted than what I wanted (camp), and recognizing that, I chose to honor my truth in the moment; not to win, or to "not give in" to another's will, not as a competition, but to be happy and BE more myself in that moment of choosing.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Living Intentionally
from time to time, I can only imagine living "intentionally" (living with my intention for my Life, clearly in front of me, pulling me forward). Yet, I know I am aware and moving intentionally through more days than I ever have before, 5 years hence. And, I have noticed how easy it is to just be alive, taking for granted that I am, and falling back into the mode that simply allows "life to happen".
It is in those moments of awakening that I realize that I have gone back to sleep, and allowed "life to happen", pulled by many demands, interests rather than passions, chores rather than responsibilities, and feel the pain of having allowed myself to move away from what really calls to me; what it is I am, and away from the things that allow me to feel that I am thriving!
I notice that the more I get caught up in the motions of doing for the sake of doing, even doing things I despise, that I lose the sense of who I am, and become a pawn in someone elses game; that I lose my shape and my boundaries get less defined...my picture, unclear, my sound without harmony. And my plans for myself, a few more months away, and further by years I've "wasted"...
To be in tune with my sound, with my Self, is to live fully in line with my intention clearly in front of me, guided by my core value: flow, supported by space and movement!
In this moment, I am aware of my boredom with some paths I am on, and with some persons with whom I spend entirely too much time with. I also notice that I don't connect with those with whom I am sure my life could be enriched...those for whom the norm of daily conversations is hightened, and makes a difference, to me, just by engaging with them. J.Z. Knight (Ramtha) once wrote that "boredom may mean that we are done learning from that thing we are bored with" (to paraphrase). I wonder if at this time, I am done with some people. Maybe I am tired of "trying to get people to wake up" or "waiting for them to wake up". Maybe some people just don't get it, no matter how much I step into my own space and open space up for them to step into it...???
If I tell myself my own truth in this moment, and hear myself clearly, I'd say that I'm done with living other people's dreams for me, and their dreams for them. Releasing the trapeze bar, to cross the chasm of "choice", to grasp onto something new, on the other side, with my now empty hands, is what this moment feels like...
as I breathe, I know that is my truth, in this moment.
Creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

The War Within...
Sometimes, like these times, today, this moment is difficult for me....
when I go through long segments of not breathing or not paying attention to my breathing, and then catching myself holding on to my breath or fiercely "controling" it.
I know now, that that is either about excitement and standing on something edgy for me, or increasing pressure to the point that I'm forced to act...to notice, that something is bumping up against my model of the world (or worldview).
And today I found myself, standing right in front of my Self, and warring againt ME!?
Knowing the truth that stood clearly inside of me, and the 2nd signal dancing in front of that truth, waving "the big rule book of life" in my face, saying No you can't! You shouldn't do what you think you should because that'll hurt someone; ...will make others judge you, and make yourself confirm that you have failed, again, further proving that you are a "failure"!
Amazing, how the residue of childhood messages, social heft of obligation and rules, and consequential self defeating behavior of my younger days come in like a huge and heavy chain to "pull me back", to weigh me down...
The uncertainty of "going with the flow", in the direction of my truth, and not knowing where it will lead or have me "ending up", is very threatening and "unsafe" to me, in this moment.
And I find it interesting that I still, in times like this one, fear bad results, prognosticate negative experiences and results, even though I know that "energy flows where attention goes". So in this moment, as in most, I catch myself, breathe a little deeper, and pay attention to the conversations going on inside that have me noticing the intense signals inside this body of mine.
I pay attention, and remind myself of my "intention" for living my life, and question what else can I create, in this moment, that would allow me to move upward and onward, more in line with my intention for my Self? (flow...supported by space and movement...that's who I am and what I'm about!) Am I living like that? In flow...with plenty of space and movement to support and allow for that flow? More, more in this moment that I am noticing and paying attention to my breathing...I am living my intention....
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Andropause...The "male equivalent to menopause"!
I just so happened to be on Manitoulin Island (one of my favorite places in the world) this past weekend; after one of those "sunday drive" kind of going nowhere days. The Island is about 2 hours from Sudbury, my home town. After a great prime rib dinner at the Anchor Inn in Little Current, I bought the local paper on the way out of the restaurant, on a whim, just for someone to have something to read on a sunny Sunday evening ride back home.
I guess I miss the island after a whole winter of not going to it, and wanted to "catch up" on islander life by reading their"local rag".
There was an article in there that was titled "Wellness Corner" and in it, the author described the "men's health" issue of Andropause. He went on to describe the statistics of those who "suffer" or are "afflicted" with andropause and to describe the following symptoms: decreased strength, decreased endurance, decreased libido, decreased sexual performance, dysphoria (restlessness), fatigue, loss of self-esteem, increased anxiety, difficulty in concentration, forgetfulness, insomnia, and an altered state of well-being. Phew!!! sign me up for that one, right away! Sounds like a ton of fun! I was especially interested because apparently at my age (40+) I am at risk of "suffering" from Andropause!? You tell me, with guys like that around, don't you think there should be statistics on how many women suffer because of this "disease" too!? ha ha - I jest...
Now, it's not my intention here to besmirch the author or diminish the importance of men paying attention to their health more than they do; I just found this too juicy to leave to the very low level consideration and conversation that allows us to leave what seems to be, to me, more about loud "signals from the inner self" to mere medical/physical profiling and symptomology.
I wonder what we might discover about ourselves (men), after living some 40+ years and more, if we were to consider what else these "signals", this "information", can tell me about my life and the results I'm getting? Maybe, we might discover that after some 40+ years, that living the way we "always have" (history - past) is not working the same way for me as I move forward (future)?!
Maybe we might find that it is extremely tiring, even exhausting, to keep pushing and moving "against the grain", swiming upstream, instead of going with our "natural flow"?
How is having a condition like "andropause" useful and intelligent? Can my body be telling me that it's time to "stop" or slow down and take a good look at how I'm living my life, and if anything in it is really what I intended for myself? When we are unwilling to tell ourselves our own truth about how we are, or how we feel about our "situation", is it any wonder that our bodies end up paying for it?! ...and then dish it back to us, in louder and louder signals, until we hear the call, or not?
I was also struck by the closeness (a gestalt for me) of the combined words "Android pause"! that's me, I'm weird like that, to see things where others might not...
And after I stopped giggling, I started seeing the similarities between just "going through the motions" (like an android) and "suffering", eventually, from the symptoms of "Andropause".
And, what might we discover if we would allow ourselves to "wake up" from our slumber, and take an "android pause" (or pause from being androids) to really living, to really going deep and allowing ourselves to admit the things we really want for ourselves, to allow ourselves to make wish lists for our lives and turn those into realities!? whether they be about the friends we have, the relationships we're in, the kind of neighborhood, job, conditions we're in?!!
Take an android pause. Take a break from living numb, being quiet, or quieted, if only for an hour or two, to allow yourself to rekindle that fire that burns deep within and ignite the passions of your life and be kind to yourself and others all-the-while...
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Today...it's difficult to "trust the process"...
The recent events at Virginia Tech and subsequent reactive reporting and efforts at understanding and explaining them has me doubting our (humanity's) ability to break through the density and immense thickness of the walls of "perception and beliefs" that create such events in the first place before it destroy's us all.
I find it difficult to hope, in this moment, not because one of our brothers went completely nuts, (because - as painful as that is, and as I would never wish it on anyone, I almost expect or the least, am not surprised, when such things continue to happen) but because of the inane thinking that goes on around the "why" question, still, in these days of so-called enlightenment, the complete idiocy with which we attempt to "understand", to get answers, to point outwardly at others...all attempts, as I see it, at shutting out the pain, the loss, the fear of simply being, with it, as witness, in the wave of energy that has been created from it.
it's a little harder to breathe, today, in this moment, yet, it is all and the best I can do, to BE.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Dogma and Oil...
I found myself quite saddened by the news of 6 "soldiers"dying suddenly in Afganistan and then the news of 2 more being killed the next day...I was sad for their lost youth, for those who would suffer their losses, and saddened mostly for what I can only hold as the "senselessness" of it all.
And it was not about them being Canadian...but about their being human; because to grieve them without grieving for the many who die on the so called "other side" is to hold as true that some human beings are not equal or as valuable as others; that some deserve more of life than others...I don't believe that. In fact, I believe that holding such beliefs and attitudes contributes to the very thing I despise: War.
To me, war is still senseless. It is to me, a failure of men to recognize and respect each other's humanity, and every individual's autonomy. It is to compete at the level of our humanity, to declare to some authority that we are more worthy human beings than others...that we are right and that others are wrong...and usually ends up confirming the very thing that we started fighting the "others" about - their belief that they are "more worthy" than others in their country or there abouts . Talk about irony!
I am saddened by our seeming inability as 21st century human beings to find better ways, more intelligent ways, of "being" in the world....of living like 17th century barbarians, instead of claiming our personal identities, our autonomy, over "ourselves", rather than over others.
Dogma and Oil...of these two things, dogma, and the men who've perpetuated it have been the single largest culprits in history, at the epicentre of wars that have shaken the world. Its not so odd then that it is also the one thing that is at the cause of "de-humanizing" us; that it is the "thing" that has taught us that our bodies are impure and bad things with "desires" that we need to control and suppress...like a machine. There may have been a time, a context, in which doing so may have been a very useful thing to do...but ten I ask, Who for?
I really wonder whether that is still so today? Are we really that "unsafe"? Do we really need to go "outside" of our senses and sensitivities, and give our minds and hearts to external referencing, to "outsiders"??? Do we really live in a world (mindframe) that is so small as to not allow for the infinite posibilities and choices that are immediately available to us if we only allow ourselves to pay attention, and become aware, of what's going on deep inside?
I remain saddened....
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Relationships
"Don't just get involved, get evolved!"
A sentence I saw somewhere that seemed to hold a whole bunch of stuff for me to consider!?
To me, it made me think of how I define "relationship", a "nominalization" (Def. - code word for experiences we have that are personal, and not exactly like other persons' experiences, but that we talk about like they are real or the same...i.e. - in "reality", I have never seen a "relationship" get up and pay the bill at a restaurant...I've seen a person do that, but not a "relationship"...so are they real? Or are they what we make them out to be? The latter feels truest to me!).

So if I'm left to consider, in my "relating" to someone, what is it that I'm creating? Or, do I try to make every "relationship" I have, fit in the box I call relationships (the beliefs, and attitudes I already have about "them" and what they "should" be as defined by the world)?
In terms of the quotation above, how many of the relationships that I'm "in" actually feel like they help me Be who I am, or help discover something new about myself; or not!? With how many of those persons I'm involved with do I actually claim the space I need to fully step into the unknown, into the tough conversations within myself and with that person I am relating to, that might make a huge difference in the quality of my life?
There is so much more to the possibility of "relations" than being a man, or a woman, in that relationship. There is the weight of all of our experiences, including our cultural and family inheritance of values, beliefs, attitudes, about who others are, to contend with, and who we are in the world and who we are supposed to be in that thing we call "relationship".
So how do we "get evolved" rather than just involved with someone?
Once again, and for always....It's up to YOU!
Not the you of yesterday, or that you believe you've always been, but the YOU who is authentic, in the moment, choosing as you go! If we hold as true, or at least possible, that to create something different, or new, we cannot depend on the past, or what already exists, then we must allow ourselves to consider the next moment, and live in that moment, consistantly, to allow something different to unfold.
That is not a "safe" place to stand for most people. If there are no "rules" about what relationships are, or are supposed to be...that's not alot of "guideposts" for us to measure our experience against! Yet, might it not be exciting to make things up in a way that we might actually care about them? ...that we might feel adventurous and really want to be a part of?
And, I'm not sure if you noticed, but maybe the problems are not the "relationships" were in, but the very "guideposts" we use from which to "compare" or "measure" the quality of those relationships!?
What if, just for a while, we would allow ourselves to be guided by our own internal "guideposts"!
What if we would allow ourselves to pay attention to the signals from within that feel more true, than not; that feel authentic to us, that feel like we actually might be "honoring" ourselves at the time of choosing who and how to Be, in relation with another.
For me, the challenge, and the reward, lies in those times when I know I have been authentic in what I am experiencing, and to have the other clearly see and know me in a deeper and new way.
To get "evolved" with someone, doesn't depend on the "someone"! It depends on my willingness to evolve myself, and to move through uncharted territory sometimes, and to claim what is authentically true for me in the moments they come up.
It's easy to get involved with people...we do it every day, one way or another, because almost none of us live in a vaccuum. Evolving ourselves, and inviting others in that process demands our attention, our awareness of what's going on inside, and choosing in those moments, what next step to take that will create the quality of life we actually want.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Layers over layers over layers...
The "depth" of the conversation we have with ourselves and with others leads to the results we get. In life, in relationships, at work...and most of us, at any time of day have conversations that represent the safest possible words we can say in that moment. There's intelligence to that. And it has consequences!
We need to feel safe to allow ourselves to dive into saying "something different" than we always have; maybe, like, the truth! Our truth... in the moment!?
I found myself in a stalemate recently. I found myself paralysed by a conversation I was having with myself about what I felt were pressing issues in my life these days. The conversation and its details aren't important. The process to me was familiar and I found myself, in a habit or strategy that I run when I'm unsure of what it is I want or need to say: I get quiet! And in that "state", my partner notices. Why? because the heavyness of the silence comes out loud and clear. And I felt intense pressure in my chest and that was a clue to me (because I practice being tuned-in to these things) that something I was experiencing ( the inside conversation) might be about what I believed, or valued...or an attitude I hold that was being pressed up against!
So, knowing what I know, I kept paying attention to it, where it lived, in my body, in my chest...and I kept breathing, and stayed with it, all-the-while moving through my days at work and home, anywhere I went.
I guessed that the sensations in my chest held some substantive information for me because it felt that big! yet, I trusted the movement and the processing capacity of my body, to allow and invite the waves to move however and whenever they wanted to.
When my chest finally softened 3 days later, when I felt "settled"...this time, I had clarity on what it was that was important, to me, in that conversation I was having. I then was able to have that outward conversation with my partner about my process its results. She nows knows me a little better, and I know myself a little better than I did a few days ago...and I keep on peeling back the layers of history, to discover who I am becoming in the present!
How many times have you found yourself in conversations that really don't matter? In conversations that touch or even, only skim the surface of your experience?
My guess is that it happens more often than we care to admit!
Even in those relationships where we are taught to believe that we are supposed to be "intimate", I have observed and experienced in the past, that those conversations roll at the environmental and behavioral levels (what, where, and when questions)....And although these kinds of conversation get things "done", they don't let others in, nor let us know, about "who" we are and what really is important to us!!!
To get there, and do that, we must become willing to go inside, go deeper inside, and consider those conversations we're having with ourselves, and then become willing, in our courage or assuredness, to allow our truths to flow through the shape our words and voices take. (sometimes we "vote with our feet" too! You know, showing up or not in places we want or don't want to be...).
I'm convinced and I invite those of you for whom quality of life is important, to consider at what level, what layer are you operating at, and is that really getting it done for you?! Do you feel like anyone is "getting you"? Or not?! Do you often feel invisible? And is that serving you well somehow?
We are much more than the surface layer conversations, words, things we say and do! When we dig for gold, we have to mine deep inside the ground to find the "veins", the motherload! I wonder what we would experience if we allowed ourselves to mine our gold? to dig deep through the many layers of our experience....and stake our claim! Only then can we really let others know how brightly we shine and the value we bring to the world!
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

The "Inside" Man
Many concepts come to mind when I think about how the world has come to describe what's going on "inside" of me. From the "ghost in the machine", to the inner child, the spiritual self, the dark man, the hidden self, the real self, the id, ego, and superego, the man in the machine, the addicted personality, the sexual animal, etc.... All are attempts at conceptualizing, understanding, explaining "what" we are; analyzing, rationalizing, intellectualizing the "great mystery". All, to me, boxes that are too small to capture the full essence of what and who we are; hence, minimizing any potential for achieving our greatness!
My experience has brought me to the point of believing that we are more. Without knowing what that more is, more than anyone can really describe or analyze. And don't we often sit down and wonder what else there is to life than that which we have?! I have come to believe that the way we hold ourselves and the beliefs we carry about who and what we are shape our everyday experience very directly; from how we feel when we wake up, to how our day unfolds, and how we feel about it all when we go to bed at night.
And there's a pressing need for me to talk with you, my brothers, the men of the world, and invite you to consider who you are, and what is possible for you as you move through this time we call our lifetime!? Why? Because we are dying way too early. Because we are living in mysery way longer than we really need to. Because, I believe, our children, our world, need us as full participants in the evolution of the world. Because I believe we can move from being part of the problem (for those who would believe that), to being part of the solution. Because too many of our brothers are hurting, maiming, killing and abusing others!
The paradox is that I don't think I or anyone else is "served" by remaining unwilling to see that change is inevitable, and that it really becomes about choosing the results we want, rather than allowing things to "end up" at places and states we could have predicted, with minimal attention and clarity. After all, "if we don't change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed" (Chinese Proverb). And where we are headed, to me, doesn't look good right now!
If this all seems superfluous or way too complicated, allow to me to offer you a simplification:
There are only two things going on in the world: the conversation you have with yourself, and the conversation you have with the world (see "Fully Alive from 9 to 5" from Louise LeBrun at www.wel-systems.com for an expansive conversation on this concept). The thing is that the conversation you have with the world can't change until the conversation you have with yourself changes! Bummer, right? Well, not really, when you see the empowerment that can bring!
There are others, philosophers, quantum scientists, great thinkers, those who have paid attention, and most of their adult lives to observe and experience these things, who agree that "there is no out there, out there". I have come to know this. My experience is such that I know that when I want change "out there", that I get quicker and more of the results I actually want, when the conversation changes "inside" of me, where I live!
Consider this....there is no emotion that sits in a corner waiting for you to pick it up; there is no stress waiting for you in a bucket in a closet somewhere; there is no thought, waiting for you to snag it on the way through the hallway to your office...it's all inside, Man!
So my invitation to you becomes this: pay attention to the conversation that's going on inside! start paying attention to the "movements" in your body, where you live, and allow yourself to experience the signals from within that allow you to feel and to know when yes means yes, and when no means no; or when something else "tells" you "Not now", or "Later".
If, like most of my brothers, and buddies, you walk through your day wondering how you got into the mess your in, or how to avoid things getting worse, or how you can ditch this other guy that you can't stand having around you wihtout getting into a fist fight or hurting his feelings; or if you are that other guy that beats his wife or girlfriend, or slaps and otherwise physically, sexually, financially tries to control others, including young children....as long as you are breathing, it's not too late to "change"!
No matter how big or how small the "issues" of your life seem; YOU can CHANGE!
If you pay attention, become aware of what's going on inside of you, and consider the results in your life, about everything that matters to you, it becomes easier to see, to name, then act on the very things you want to change. I've never known anyone to wake up and ask:"How can I screw up my day today?" Yet, so many of our days seem to have those "results" we never would have wished for. What's going on? My guess is that we're sleeping, unaware, disengaged, disconnected from the things that are going on, and where they are going on: "inside"! Where life goes on.
We are not brought up to be individuals. We are brought up to fit in! And fitting in has its apparent benefits, but it also has its clear consequences! Fitting in, to me, means diminishing or limiting who I am, my potential. My individuality can only be expressed in a way I choose, not in a paint by numbers world we are forced into before we even have a chance at arguing about it when we're 5 years old.
If you're already walking down a path that's been carved out before you, or for you...you've got to wonder if it's "your" path?! My belief about it is that my path is not yet carved out, because I am still carving it, moment by moment, one step in front of the other.
Someone once said that not contemplating our Life for all that it can be, our potential, is like being 3/4 dead already...I believe in our potential, I know that there is much more available to me today than there ever was for me before, because I have changed, not because it wasn't possible before, but because I couldn't see it there.
Go inside! Go deep! Pay attention to what's real and true for YOU! then consider what's in your life and who's in your life and look at those simply as results of the multitude of choices you have made so far, and then consider that you can choose again, and create a life that means something to you, that holds value, and most importantly, supports and sustains who you know you can become.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Letting Go Can Save Your Life!
I was amazed at the great metaphor that was made available to me this morning in the story of Carole Grant-Sullivan, who was interviewed on CBC radio's program The Current.
She went on to describe how she found herself climbing in South America (The Andes), and in the blink of an eye, while near a peak, she suddenly lost her grip and footing and fell. The height of the fall was measured to be approximately 2,000 feet; higher than the CN Tower!
The metaphor for me came in what she described as the thing that saved her life. She descibed that, as she was in full fall, with her back to the rocky and snowy ground she was expecting to hit any second, a voice came to her telling her to "stay loose, stay flexible" instead of instinctually "bracing" (hardening up) for the impact! and although she could not remember anything else until she came to a full stop on the side of the high mountain, she has no doubt that having done so (stayed soft and letting go), saved her life.
Wow! I thought. What a metaphor for my life!
How often have I found things "harder" than they really were; or made things more difficult myself by holding on to ideas (beliefs, attitudes) that we're bumping up against the thing I was experiencing. I wonder how many heart attacks and strokes might be avoided, if we were made to believe that "softening and being flexible" in the chest area might prevent such things?
Can you imagine a harder impact than a 2000 foot fall onto a rocky cliff side?
I wonder what are the rocks for which we are bracing ourselves, that we might otherwise soften (ourselves) about or become flexible with, before we suffer the big impact?
So often, I have found myself gripping the thing I'm holding onto so hard as to affect the circulation in my hands. There is no way to "grasp" onto something new, some new possibility, when my hands are full, and I don't recognize that it's up to me to let go of the "past" to grab something new that might be more useful to my survival today, this instant?!
It is quite easy for me to remember the many times I was "bracing" myself (worrying, being anxious, nervous, getting depressed) for the "impacts" of my life...and many times, all of that energy went into bracing myself for "imagined impacts" that never developed!
So often, we live in fear, bracing for the things that never happen in the ways we've imagined them. My experience lately is one of "letting go", of softening, being more assured of being present to anything that is going on, rather than preparing for what might come that I may not be ready for. Breathing, trusting my ability to take any fall, only then can I trust myself to fly as high as I want to, knowing that I can survive any landings, as soft or as hard as they come!
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Guys, it's OK to "go deep"!
I've been there and it's beautiful! ... And...I'm not dead yet! In fact, I'm more alive, and happier than I've ever been! My life means something to me now, because it's more "my" life than it has ever been....because I know more about who I am now than I ever have...
The expression "going deep" isn't something that need be reserved only for the play by play of the gridiron - (football for those less initiated...) .
What would happen to our conversations guys, if we were to shout out every time one of our buddies started to talk: "Go DEEP!" as a reminder of where all the reward lies? and know that it would be supported by those around us...How different would that feel?
I expect that the first reaction would be one of shock or disbelief, and the scrunching of noses and eyes with thoughts of "mental illness" permeating our thoughts.
I wonder how "comfortable" we can get at the thought of saying something that feels like the truth of our experience in the moment were thinking it....admitting it to ourselves, and then, maybe letting other guys in on those thoughts?!
Waaaayyyy too weird, right!?
Maybe...certainly, different...yet, how fun is having things be the "same" all the time? and how's it working for you?
How many times have you found yourself, like me, thinking that you couldn't wait to get out of the room, or wishing others would just leave so that you could be alone with your thoughts or your remote control, or web-site, or magazine, or only with the buddies you really wanted to be around you.
The other thing I've discovered about "going deep" is that it has to start with me. I've rarely seen or experienced any guy, buddy, brother, offer to "get into" a topic or personal "problem" unless their was an imminent critical situation brewing...or over a beer, crying because its too late...the other shoe having dropped?!
What is it about having to let the pressure build so much before we "get it" or notice the "signal" that something is moving in there?!
Am I alive, or simply existing? Am I really that guy that my "buddies" know, or is there someone lurking inside this skin shell and is aching to break out?
Is there too much risk in "going deep", and dropping the ball; or looking back and seeing that there is no one their to pass you the ball after you've made a run for it...being left alone, on the field...or even catching that hail mary pass only to get smashed by another bunch of bigger, faster moving guys, who look angry!?
Whatever the case, the choices we make about what we allow others to know about who we really are in the moments stuff perks up inside of us impacts the quality of those relationships and our lives.
Courage, talent, risk taking, strength, truth, honor, are not only the domain of athletes and those who would achieve "great things" professionally; they are the domain of every man/person who lives by his own truth, and is willing and able to stand alone, in that truth and let himself be known for who he truly is!
Go deep, for glory...Go deep, for your own truth...go deep, for your own sake!
The quality of your life, and those around you may depend on it!
And, you may find yourself looking around one day, and notice that there are plenty other players on the field, playing the same game you are.
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

Here and Now...
In my continued attempts and efforts at "reaching" and stretching myself forward to what I want, I have found that I often forget about the here and now; and in so doing, I often find myself feeling "troubled", stressed, anxious, etc...There is something about "wanting", that causes me to feel scarcity, or like something is missing from my life; yet, all I've done is notice. Notice that there is something that calls to me in the moment of my noticing that it might be good for me to have this "thing" in my possession or to at least, have it accessible to me.
Other times, I have a clear sense that, in the here and now, in being present to myself, there can be no problems, no tension, no "need", and much less want.
I continue to notice, time after time, that the degree to which I am present in my body and experience, the less I have "challenges", stress, etc...and the clearer I am about my "stance". In the present moment, I am unshakeable....I am...all that I can be!
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY

The Results...
"To Life...You are the only answer!" I like that quote; that idea. To the big question: What is it all about? What does it all mean? I like Leonard Cohen's explanation that being a poet is a verdict, not a job description.
That is to say, one can only be called a poet at the end of his/her life, if he or she has lived their life as a poet! So similarly for me, the meaning of life is the meaning I will have given my life, by having lived it in the way I have! So to that I ask myself: What will my life mean, to me? What in the end, will I have achieved with this, my life, that is meaningful to me?
Nobody else can do it for you! No one else can live your life, for you! NO one else can write or, more importantly, has written your autobiography. You are the Author!
Working in the mental health field as a front line therapist I see results. That is to say, the result that is created when human beings are repressed, suppressed & depressed from their possibilities, creativity, and from living fully!
Schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, depression, anxieties and phobias, and substance abuse, tied in the ribbon of hopelessness that is created by a set of beliefs about who we are that is pervasive in our culture: limited and broken physical beings...
It's not a matter of Why these results happen; it is a matter of "No wonder" we're this way!!!
When we grow through the systems that are set before us (family, school, religion..) and supported by the adult world, we cannot resist long enough, as children, not to be affected by that (rules, beliefs, values, attitudes, modelling of behavior...etc...)
The menial increments with which we continue to gauge progress will lead us to our graves as a collective, never having achieved a new understanding or "belief" about who and what we are and can become.
When I "counsel" these persons that come to me with various degrees of motivation, my conversation with them is about getting to know who they think/believe they are before I have the next conversation about what they hold as possible for themselves. If I start anywhere else, I am "treating" their condition, rather than respecting them as my equal and acknowledging that they are more than their "dis-ease". That is about connection. It is about having them feel "connected" in a way they may not have felt in a long time, or ever (in their consciousness).
The main concern I have for them is about their realizing and recognizing their ability to "choose"!
If we do not acknowledge and hold as possible our ability to choose, we are living life from a victim stance. Only when we acknowledge our ability to choose, consistantly, can we accept our ability to respond to Life and become "response-able" (responsible)! Becoming responsible produces better results; especially when it is not equated with guilt, or blaming ourselves, but rather with acknowledging that only we can move differently through our world/life when we want to.
With the few persons who attend the services we deliver publicly or privately, we must acknowledge that the majority of those living life in desperate measures do not make it through our doors. To me, that says that most of us, if not all, are on the same scale some may call "dis-eased", and that it's just a matter of the intensity with which these "issues" appear in our lives. I believe it's more useful to call it the scale of human experience, and to see it as our just being in a different set of circumstances than other persons, in this moment.
I am in charge of the results I get! And I know that the results are not how I "end up", but rather where I am in this moment. With that, I get to look at them with open eyes, and choose, whether I continue to live with those results or change the manner in which I move through the world, to get different ones (results)!
Ever since i have started to move through my days, based on the recognition of the "truths" that flow in me, rather than outside of me, my life has evolved in
immeasurable, and definite ways.
"Once you trust yourself, you will know how to live!"
Johann Van Goeth
creating at the rhythm of my breath.
RAY

Starting Over!
Today, I am inspired by the many blogs I've been visiting that invite me into a different conversation than the "daily grind" line of thought and the totally superficial social grease of the wheel that is the weather, sports, and news in general!
Louise LeBrun's blog (www.louiselebrun.blogspot.com)latest offering caught my attention particularly. When she says: "It is not about addiction - it is about having to learn, all over again, what it is to be ourselves!"; I felt that Ah-ha moment. What moved through me was how much words like addictions, mental health, depression, and all means of descriptive code words we use to compartmentalize how we behave are interchangeable and don't mean much in the end - When we put them in the context of our "experiences". The words are not the experience! They cannot describe what's going on, they just reduce it to sizeable chunck we can digest quickly for conversations sake. Don't get me wrong - that's useful too, sometimes!?
What got my juices flowing about her comment was how another "code word" can be experienced through that consideration - man, or maleness, or masculine.
pick one and feel what gows on inside when you allow the words - It is not about maleness, or masculinity - it is about having to learn all over again, what it is to be ourselves!" Wow!
ON my holodeck of the world, in the context of a WEL-systems perspective (see www.wel-systems.com), the largest possible context in which to consider our lives and our selves, that I know of, there is alot of room to consider how to learn to be ourselves, all over again!
What would it be like if we (men) were to allow ourselves to reconsider everything that is possible for us, through a lens that allows for the deepest discovery possible, beyond fears, and egos, and our "culturally conditionned selves"!?
If this sounds like throwing the baby out with the bath water, I can understand...the difference being, through the wel-systems' perspective, that the baby never needed bathing in the first place!!! It is about looking at the water we've been swimming or bathing in all our lives and considering what results that's produced! It is about looking at who put us in that water, and why in their opinion, we needed to be bathed?!
Is it possible that discovering who we are is not a matter of recreating ourselves, but simpy discovering what's been there all=the-while; underneath the thick layers of social norms, rules, roles, laws, attitudes, and especially beliefs about who we're "supposed" to be!???
Think about it...the wider the context for considering who we are and what is possible, the more generalized and unhinged words like addictions, illness, and even "masculinity" become! what do you feel, or what moves through you when you consider and allow for the possibility that the experience of our lives, is more truth-ful than the ideas/stories of our lives, the more our human experience grows, and is less and less describable as either a male, or female experience! I don't know?! Is there more truth and similarity to be found in our human experiences, than in our singular male or female experiences?
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
Ray Landry

A New Year...A New "Man"???
Although the concept of a new year is only an illusion (see previous blog) to me, it does send most of us into thoughts of More, New, Better, Health, Wealth, maybe even Peace and Comfort...things that flow from the supposition of the big one "change"!
And my question then becomes...to what end? Are those ideas the "ends" unto themselves? Or, are they about something else? Are they about what we want to have? Or, who we want to Be?
Or maybe even what they might allow us to become?
In my version of the world as I know it, most people do not think about what they want to "achieve" with their life. It seems to me that most people are left to think about what they want to do! (without a clear sense of what that will look like in the end...)
And it seems that those who are keen on the concept of achievement, seem to equate it with what they can have that is outside of themselves - namely, things or ideals of "measures of success" such as money, real estate, and trinkets (yachts, beach houses, cars, etc...).
I wonder what would happen to us if we were to allow ourselves to consider what it is we want to create by achieving the best possible result as human beings; as persons on this journey? I wonder what those questions or new year's resolutions might sound like.
"I want to be more honest with myself?"
"I want to speak and live my truth, about my experience?"
" I want to review and revise everything that I believe, value, and my attitudes, to determine which ones are still useful to me, and which ones aren't?"
"I want to BE peaceful, and create peace around me?"
"I want to be the best person I can be, in the context of creating for myself and around me, the kind of world I and my children would be happy to live in!"
And many more....
To my brethren out there (men of the world), I would invite you to consider these few things as part of taking on a project that you might find worthwhile - your LIFE - What does it mean for you to be a man?
Does it still mean the same thing as when you were 8 or 12 years old? Or, does it mean the same thing as it did when you were 18 or 19?
And how does that still fit into your model of the world?
Who are you, essentially, that does not fit with your own image of manliness or with your percieved version of what it is to be a man in this world? (and does that cause you anxiety, or shame or something else?)
I wonder what it is we might find out about ourselves if we were to consider that maybe we are not our historically defined selves? Or that even if we are our historically defined selves, is that still a useful definition in today's world?
My experiences of these and many other provocotive questions has led me, for now, to consider that any past definition of Man is neither useful, nor expansive enough to allow me to be all it is that I AM! NOr does any defining of me by social norms and standards allow for enough "expansion" into my potential or possibility!
I am drawn then to consider, can I be a New Man?
and in considering that, what occurs in my body, is a clunking, stopping feeling like an elevator that isn't geared right to stop at the right floor, and feels like - NO. No in the sense that the question is either misdirected or not expansive enough....What, to me, feels more inviting and expansive is this -
In this "New Year", can I Be the full expression of what it is to be a spiritual being, having a human experience, in the context of expressing myself through a male body? I think aligning that with the supportive question: " What do I want to create (results for my Self, my world, my children)"?; will provide for quite a ride!
That you find these questins intriguing or useful or not is important, to YOU! For me, the important part is that you find questions for yourself that are expansive and invite new thoughts, new experiences where you live, in your body, so as to discover more of who you already are?
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY