The War Within...
Sometimes, like these times, today, this moment is difficult for me....
when I go through long segments of not breathing or not paying attention to my breathing, and then catching myself holding on to my breath or fiercely "controling" it.
I know now, that that is either about excitement and standing on something edgy for me, or increasing pressure to the point that I'm forced to act...to notice, that something is bumping up against my model of the world (or worldview).
And today I found myself, standing right in front of my Self, and warring againt ME!?
Knowing the truth that stood clearly inside of me, and the 2nd signal dancing in front of that truth, waving "the big rule book of life" in my face, saying No you can't! You shouldn't do what you think you should because that'll hurt someone; ...will make others judge you, and make yourself confirm that you have failed, again, further proving that you are a "failure"!
Amazing, how the residue of childhood messages, social heft of obligation and rules, and consequential self defeating behavior of my younger days come in like a huge and heavy chain to "pull me back", to weigh me down...
The uncertainty of "going with the flow", in the direction of my truth, and not knowing where it will lead or have me "ending up", is very threatening and "unsafe" to me, in this moment.
And I find it interesting that I still, in times like this one, fear bad results, prognosticate negative experiences and results, even though I know that "energy flows where attention goes". So in this moment, as in most, I catch myself, breathe a little deeper, and pay attention to the conversations going on inside that have me noticing the intense signals inside this body of mine.
I pay attention, and remind myself of my "intention" for living my life, and question what else can I create, in this moment, that would allow me to move upward and onward, more in line with my intention for my Self? (flow...supported by space and movement...that's who I am and what I'm about!) Am I living like that? In flow...with plenty of space and movement to support and allow for that flow? More, more in this moment that I am noticing and paying attention to my breathing...I am living my intention....
creating at the rhythm of my breath,
RAY